i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
