He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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