i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
