I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
