you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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