Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize