Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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