she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
