I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
