dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
