You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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