she woke up with a sticky ear
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
