Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize