I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
