So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
