The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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