Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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