I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
