I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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