Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
