Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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