Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Congratulations! We have a period
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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