I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
