At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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