Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
