If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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