We're like a lot better than the average bears
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
