Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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