He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
