I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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