gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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