DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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