Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
