I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
