I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
