i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize