I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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