My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
