too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
