Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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