Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
