Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
