so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
