I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
