can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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