You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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