I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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