I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize