im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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