3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
