He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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