If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
