good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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