You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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