he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
