Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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