have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
