I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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